The Fear of Her Past vs. My Heart

September 6, 2010

No man should ever feel like this, especially one that is as one tract minded as I am. There is no way that I could be in love. Not after the things that I have done to women. I’ve been a roaming Casanova for so long I even believe the lies that I say. What I told Megan was pure poetry; she was built up quickly and broken down even quicker. Brittany was like an on-call nurse, no matter the hour or time of day she would drop everything and be right there. So for me to have a crush on any woman is so far out of the ordinary view of sight the highest powered telescope that could see past Jupiter still could see this coming. Nor could it see how desperate I am to keep her when she is so scared of her past that she’s hurting our future.

I’m terrified of losing her. Over the last five days we went from the best of best worlds to our worlds being torn apart. She’s become scared that I’m turning into the man the nearly killed her emotionally. Inside she’s saying this isn’t a good idea that we get closer, outside you couldn’t tell if she had a hair misplaced on her head.

I want to meet this guy, the cowardly lion that left her heartless and beat him into a pulp. Now wouldn’t that be poetic justice, a lifetime womanizer pulverizing a man of the same ilk for being the reason that I can’t have what I truly desire. All I want to do is hold her and tell her, “I’m different, I’m not him,” but how many times have we said that fellas? How many women have believed us, then we turn it into the fairy tale that we meant for it to be? If it were a crime I would be facing upwards of twenty counts.

The last five days have been hell. I’m used to conversations that last for an hour once a day, sometimes twice, her calling me sweet little nicknames, sending smiley faces at the end of each of her texts and it might be ending because she’s scared.

I should’ve seen this coming when I met her months earlier on Valentine’s Day at a random singles party. We were both drunk beyond recognition; we exchanged numbers and began talking. We were supposed to go out on a date or two but someone you barely knew intervened and that ended. Someone told me not to mess with someone who was so easily persuaded but when you came around again three months later I followed you like a dummy.
To me you were worth the wait, now I don’t know. How can you know me for this long, see me change, erase every sex toy from my phone and focus on you more than I focus on my own work and still have deep fears about me? To me no one compares to you, not by a long shot. It doesn’t matter if its looks, assets or anything, you are it. How can I convince it to you that I’m it for you?

It feels like I’m in court fighting for my love and she is the judge and jury. All that I can do is submit my case, give testimony and evidence for why she should put any bad feelings aside, cross examine her fears and hope that she rules in my favor. What would you say to someone that you are so sure about? How would you convince a victim of a love crime that it won’t happen with you? Who knows?

What I do know is that I have to do something. I never wanted love before. I wanted sex, money, cars, clothes, weed and all things material. Now I want her. She’s worth more than anything of those past wants of mine. If I gotta fight for her I will and if I lose I’ll go down swinging. Hopefully she understands who I am and rules in my favor.

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